I have huge news. Tremendous. I have been elected president of my running club, Carolina Godiva Track Club. Below is my acceptance speech.
Thank you for making me your President.
Godiva is an amazing club. Very, very terrific. Filled with so many incredible people.
But our club is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, Bull City Running in a race? They kill us. I beat Bull City Running all the time. All the time.
When did we beat Raleigh Runners at anything? They send their runners over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Godiva singlet in Raleigh? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time. They’re laughing at us, at our speed. And now they are beating us for faster members. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us in membership. Godiva has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problem runners. It’s a disaster.
When Raleigh sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending runners that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing tendonitis. They’re bringing chafing. They’re bringing course cutters. Their shirtless guys… And some, I assume, are good people.
I will have a great marathon– and nobody has marathons better than me, believe me, I have the best marathons – and I’ll have them very inexpensively.
I will have a great, great marathon on the Durham border, it’s going to be huge, and I will make Raleigh volunteer for that marathon. Mark my words.
I will be the greatest Godiva president God ever created. For all members, even the haters and losers.
Like past president Douglass Hensel. Major loser. He’s a very, very, low energy person.
I heard he made fun of my running shoes. Nobody has ever hit my running shoes. I’ve never heard of this one. And he referred to my shoes if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. Really some kind of a clown. Sad.
And I’ve heard some people say nasty comments about how I get injured a lot. Not true.
Believe me, I have tremendous stamina. I am proud to share this report, written by the highly respected Dr. Harold Bornstein, stating that I am the fittest runner he has ever seen:
“If elected, Mr. Corriveau, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest and the fastest individual ever elected to the Godiva presidency. “
- Dr. Harold Bornstein, DDS
And people love my blog. I have the most loyal blog readers. Did you ever see that? Where I could run in the middle of Umstead and shoot a snot rocket at somebody and I wouldn’t lose any readers, okay? It’s like incredible. Runners love me. When you’re as popular as I am, you can do anything. I walk up and grab them by the… fuel belt. You can do anything. I can’t help myself. I grab their water bottle and just start drinking. I don’t even wait.
But the Godiva board, it’s a disaster, it’s a disaster. We have losers. We have people that don’t have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. Like the treasurer, I call him “Corrupt Kevin”, he should be in jail folks. I’m going to drain the swamp.
I’m going to have the best people. The smartest people. For treasurer I will have my good friend Bernie handling the club’s money. Bernie lives in Butner, he’s a genius with money. Bernie Madoff, very, very smart.
We’re going to get to work immediately for the Godiva Track Club. And we’re going to start winning again. You’ll be so proud. Again, it’s my honor. And I love this club. We’re going to make Godiva Great Again.