Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Godiva President's Column for March

Good For What Ails You

One thing that makes Godiva special is our celebration and support of runners of all types. A manifestation of this support is our “handicapped” Winter Series races, which aim to get everyone involved regardless of running speed. A handicapped race is one where a head start is given to runners who are born with a physical defect, such as being female or old. Here are the current Winter Series races which provide a handicap:

  • The Geezer Pleezer gives head starts based on age and gender.
  • The Eno Equalizer has time handicaps based on a very complex statistical formula developed by Dr. Richard Smith which takes into account ALL of your past races, your BMI, your genetic code, and your Google search history.
  • The Run For Donuts levels the playing field with the “Donut Index”, which I think is based on how many donuts you ate that morning.
  • The Misery Run gives an advantage to those who are ignorant of what they are running through.

I often hear members say that these races are their favorite Godiva events. So why not have more of them?
And why stop at just age and gender? Why not give head starts to runners who suffer from other limitations?

I propose adding eight more handicapped races to the Winter Series! Here are the new proposed races:

Wheezer Sneezer
The Race:  A ten mile run through Umstead sometime in May, at the peak of pollen season.
The Handicap: Runners with tree allergies get a 5 minute hard start. Those with asthma  get 10.

Hard Climb Ladder
The Race: Runners race to the roof of a three story building up shaky 30 foot ladders.
The Handicap:  Runners with acrophobia (like myself) get a 12 hour head start.

New Year's Day Hangover Helper
Happy New Year!
The Race: An 8K in Duke Forest just like our other New Year’s day run, but this one is held at 6 am.
Handicap: Runners are given head starts and doses of aspirin that are proportional to their BAC (Blood Alcohol Content).

The Eno Calculator
The Race: Runners sit in the picnic shelter at Eno River State Park and take an exam on “Time Series and Multivariate Analysis” given by statistics professor Richard Smith, Phd.
The Handicap: Runners are given handicapped head starts based on their SAT math scores.

The Run For Bagels
The Race:  Inspired by the Donut Run and the Krispy Kreme challenge, teams of 3 runners do 5 loops around Durham Academy XC course.  At the start of each loop they must choke down a bagel covered in peanut butter.
The Handicap: Teams comprised of gluten intolerant runners get a 5 minute head start. Teams with peanut allergies get 10 minutes.

Myopia March
The Race: A 20 mile point to point run on the Uwharrie trail, held in late fall when the trail is covered in leaves.
The Handicap: Runners leave their glasses and contacts at home, but receive generous head starts based on their corrective vision prescription. We will have a lot of fun squinting for distant fuzzy white blazes and buried rocks. This may require volunteer search parties the next day or two to look for runners who have wandered off the trail.

Milk Mile
The Race: 4 loops around a 400m track, you must down a pint of milk after each loop
The Handicap: Lactose intolerant folks do not get a head start, but they do get their own porta-potty.

Feeble Pleezer
The Race: A full marathon held in Umstead Park
The Handicap: Runners are given a 1 minute head start for every $1000 in medical bills spent on running injuries the previous year.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Make Godiva Great Again

trumpme_blue.jpgI have huge news. Tremendous. I have been elected president of my running club, Carolina Godiva Track Club. Below is my acceptance speech.

Thank you for making me your President.
Godiva is an amazing club. Very, very terrific. Filled with so many incredible people.

But our club is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, Bull City Running in a race? They kill us. I beat Bull City Running all the time. All the time.
When did we beat Raleigh Runners at anything? They send their runners over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Godiva singlet in Raleigh? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time. They’re laughing at us, at our speed. And now they are beating us for faster members. They are not our friend, believe me. But they’re killing us in membership. Godiva has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problem runners. It’s a disaster.

When Raleigh sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending runners that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing tendonitis. They’re bringing chafing. They’re bringing course cutters. Their shirtless guys… And some, I assume, are good people.

I will have a great marathon– and nobody has marathons better than me, believe me, I have the best marathons – and I’ll have them very inexpensively.
I will have a great, great marathon on the Durham border, it’s going to be huge, and I will make Raleigh volunteer for that marathon. Mark my words.

I will be the greatest Godiva president God ever created. For all members, even the haters and losers.

Like past president Douglass Hensel. Major loser. He’s a very, very, low energy person.
I heard he made fun of my running shoes. Nobody has ever hit my running shoes. I’ve never heard of this one. And he referred to my shoes if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. Really some kind of a clown. Sad.

And I’ve heard some people say nasty comments about how I get injured a lot. Not true.
Believe me, I have tremendous stamina. I am proud to share this report, written by the highly respected Dr. Harold Bornstein, stating that I am the fittest runner he has ever seen:

“If elected, Mr. Corriveau, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest and the fastest individual ever elected to the Godiva presidency. “
- Dr. Harold Bornstein, DDS

And people love my blog. I have the most loyal blog readers. Did you ever see that? Where I could run in the middle of Umstead and shoot a snot rocket at somebody and I wouldn’t lose any readers, okay? It’s like incredible. Runners love me. When you’re as popular as I am, you can do anything. I walk up and grab them by the… fuel belt. You can do anything. I can’t help myself. I grab their water bottle and just start drinking. I don’t even wait.

But the Godiva board, it’s a disaster, it’s a disaster. We have losers. We have people that don’t have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. Like the treasurer, I call him “Corrupt Kevin”, he should be in jail folks. I’m going to drain the swamp.

I’m going to have the best people. The smartest people. For treasurer I will have my good friend Bernie handling the club’s money. Bernie lives in Butner, he’s a genius with money. Bernie Madoff, very, very smart.

We’re going to get to work immediately for the Godiva Track Club. And we’re going to start winning again. You’ll be so proud. Again, it’s my honor. And I love this club. We’re going to make Godiva Great Again.

Thank you.

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