Thursday, November 11, 2010

How to Injure Yourself

Despite what you might have heard, it is not easy to injure yourself running.

A cyclist can sustain a spectacular and instantaneous injury by simply allowing a texting driver to run them over.

But for a runner, it takes a substantial amount of effort, patience, and persistence.

Here is a 5 day plan that I have developed for runners wishing to injure themselves. It has been very effective for me. In fact, I used it again this week with great success.

1. Run a race. 
Preferably a marathon or longer, but a half marathon or shorter can work too. The important thing is to run it as hard as you possibly can. Your legs should be completely wrecked.

2.  Next day, go for a run. 
Your legs might be really sore, but push through the pain. Keep running until one particular muscle, tendon, or bone starts to hurt really badly and you can only manage a gimping jog. Run 2 more miles.

3. Failure day
Run far and fast until your body part completely fails and stops functioning altogether. To really hammer it home, try to keep running on it anyway.

4. Rest day
This is to separate general fatigue from a genuine injury. The body part should swell up and hopefully turn purple. You should be limping when you walk at this point.

5. Test day.
Take a test run to verify your injury is real. It might take a few miles, but it should flair up and stop you in your tracks. Congratulations! All that hard work has paid off, you are injured!

Victory March.
Now you will be 3 miles or so away from your house or car.
You will have an hour or more to savor your accomplishment, as you hobble slowly back, possibly freezing. People passing by may offer help, but assure them this is all part of the plan.

Now it's time for a rest. You have earned it!